Tuesday, September 16, 2008

SOMETHING TO WORK ON (September 13th)

Like everyone else, I have my fair share of character flaws. For example, I have an insane guilt complex that extends into every aspect of my life and always forces me to apologize for things I have absolutely no control over (ie: I’m sorry it’s raining today; I’m sorry! I’ll try to warn you next time before you walk into a bush accidentally; etcetera.) Since being in France, one flaw, which I have been working to correct for sometime now, is coming back strong.

You see, overall, I’m a pretty laidback individual. I hate drama, and I’ve learned many techniques in order to avoid it at all costs. For example, I usually don’t have any particularly strong preferences (such as what movie to watch) because I’d rather come across as an agreeable person than an opinionated, dominating individual. Of course, this can cause making simple decisions (think that movie thing again) a bit more difficult than usual because I truly “don’t care” and am not used to being put in such a decision making position.

Unfortunately, this lovely character trait causes more issues than just the previously described inconvenience. For example, I can easily be considered a pushover, and I have trouble asserting my intentions or opinions when it really matters (unless it’s in written form). So, while I’m trapped in France with a group of eleven ladies that all seem fairly open to clearly stating their intentions, this is definitely NOT turning out to be a good characteristic.

Now, I was left in the position of trying to figure out why I was having so much recent trouble with this flaw, and after a bit of reflection, I came to a very intriguing conclusion. My best friend, whom I envy an indescribable amount because she NEVER has my problem and can always clearly state her personal opinions and intentions, isn’t here. Clearly, due to this fact, it’s hard to emulate her! Plus, I’ve lost that portion of my support system, which encourages me to speak my mind. Whether verbally or not, she always reminds me that my thoughts have just as much value as everyone else’s.

So, how do I conjure up that strong personality trait when my source of constant inspiration is an ocean away? I’m not sure… but no matter what, I HAVE to do it. I can’t depend on her forever, and this is a “non-classroom” lesson I need to learn—a character flaw I need to overcome. I want to be own person, and I want to clearly be able to state my intentions and opinions without worrying that they’re somehow going to offend someone else. If I end up doing so, I can always apologize (I probably will anyway! Haha.). Maybe I’ll start small like telling Wendy when I don’t feel like joining the group for a movie night or sitting down in a café for class because I don’t want to spend the extra money. Then I can move up to higher tiered decisions such as what kind of food I’d like to eat for dinner (I have been CRAVING Chinese food lately…) and what movie I REALLY wanna see.

You’ll route for me though, won’t you? It’ll help to know that at least SOMEONE else is on my side. I promise not to become a super opinionated, uncompromising, dominating, not-fun-to-be-around person, okay?

Avec l'Amour,

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